Professional Spider Killer (Short Story)

"Arrived," a robotic voice chirped. Alexander pulled into the narrow driveway at the end of the cul-de-sac. Black numbers rested atop the door frame: 56. Perfect.

At 56 Puffer's Way— the same address he'd received in a text an hour before— a tiny house lay covered in pumpkins. Tiny ones in the windows, round pie pumpkins by the front door, giant jack-o-lantern's lining the driveway. It was only the tenth. A fan of Halloween, apparently. The rest of the house was a light cream with a stark black roof. Dark green hedges lined the property, giving the house privacy from the neighbors. By the front corner of the house, a buff tan man with a ruddy complexion and rolled up sleeves ripped weeds out of the ground. His movements seemed better suited to pulling the cord on a lawnmower with alternating arms. The unwanted plants flew out to his sides, adding to two tall piles. The man paused and stood, turning back toward the house. In the middle of his turn, he spotted the car and waved. The sleeves of his flannel were rolled up— a good sign.

Alexander de la Cruz wanted to know more. He grabbed an elegant light grey flyswatter from the passenger seat. The flyswatter reassured the clients, made them think he'd be killing when he was actually just setting the small creatures free. Arachnophobes wouldn't like him very much if they found out about his methods, but he'd been lucky. Alexander removed his seatbelt and burst from the car. Then he remembered himself and slowed, strolling toward the man— his client?— at a refined pace.

"You must be the spider guy. I'm Dan," the client said as Alexander drew closer. Alexander nodded, taking in the rest of Dan's features. There was something soft and welcoming in the roundness of his face. "Thanks for coming. I'm kind of useless with these things. I love the earth, but god, spiders are just the worst. I don't mind them so much when they're outside since they just scurry away, but I can't stand them in the house."

Dan's voice felt like a hot summer day, sweet and molten. His rambling had been languid the entire time, swinging and lilting even at a quick pace. Dan's cheeks turned lily pink. Alexander rolled one of the buttons on the cuff of his button-up and waited for Dan to finish, taking comfort in the rolling syllables. He was shorter than Alexander and pudgy; he was shirtless below his open flannel and his soft round belly hung out over the waistband of his cargo shorts. Cute. It was sunny, so Alexander didn't mind waiting. A good thing, since Alexander wasn't sure if he'd ever stop talking.

"Well," Dan said when his cheeks had finally turned red. He rubbed the side of his face, leaving a long brown stain at the curve of his jaw. "I should probably bring you to that spider."

Alexander nodded and smiled, which made Dan stare for a good ten seconds. Alexander raised an eyebrow— he knew the effect it had on men when a nonbinary person looked sarcastic— and Dan nodded hurriedly before opening the door and heading inside.

To Alexander's exasperation, the inside of the house was equally cluttered. Everything about it could be fixed by the insertion of one very organized drawer, but instead, everything was everywhere. Worse, there were more pumpkins than he'd expected; not only in the windows, either, but on the floor, the mantle, and resting on the couch. Everywhere. Small ones on the mantle, sugar's on the floor, jack o' lanterns on the couch. How had Dan found time to carve that many pumpkins? Horrid. An offense to any neat homeowner. They'd draw so many bugs once they started rotting. Dan, whose eyes had been trained on Alexander since he'd caught sight of him, noticed him glaring at the pumpkins right as Alexander opened his mouth.

"Lots of pumpkins," he noted in his usual polite tone, voice high but not unpleasant. Dan's eyes were trained on his mouth.

"Yeah. I got them from a friend, you know how it is." Alexander watched Dan's eyes watch his mouth. He did not know how it was. Dan bit his lip. Alexander wondered, absentmindedly, what it would feel like to be bitten. He hadn't been bitten in a very long time.

"Where's the spider?" Alexander asked.

"Ah, right." Dan led him down a pink wallpapered hall to a clean bathroom— thank god— and brought him to a daddy long leg on the edge of the sink. $25 instead of $20.

Alexander stared pointedly in his client's direction, expecting him to leave. Spider releasing required no audience. Dan did not take the hint. In the vacant silence, they stared at one another. Alexander was the first to move, leaning against the doorframe with a lanky outstretched arm. He crossed his ankles and placed a hand on his hip, stretching out his six-foot figure into a comfortable position. The pose would keep Dan from coming farther inside, at the very least. At most, the two were now close enough for Alexander to make out the man's feathery blonde eyelashes, which were paler than the curly dirty blonde hair that covered his head. Alexander found himself a bit jealous. He'd always wanted blonde hair— lighter, preferably, but he could compromise— but he'd been saddled with light brown since birth. Dan became redder.

"Is there anything else you need, or can I get to work?" Alexander murmured.

"I'm all set," Dan stuttered. He backed up and shook his head slightly, turning away and going back toward the living room.

Alexander let out a relieved sigh and turned around, looking at the long-legged spider and the open window with a small smile. There was a screen, but that posed little threat to his mission. He opened the bottom of the screen with a pop, pulling it inside the house. Alexander pressed the edge of the flyswatter against the side of the sink, just below the spider. Arachnid. Whatever daddy long legs are. He took one hand and gently swept the arachnid onto the top of the flyswatter, easing the plastic down as he held one leg of the arachnid with two fingers to keep it still. He turned toward the window and dropped the spider outside, letting it fall into the grass. A few minutes later and the screen was back in place as well. Perfect.

Alexander turned the bathroom light off and went back to the living room, where Dan sat on the couch, his back against the pumpkins. Like he didn't want to disturb them. Dan looked up from his phone.

"All set?" Dan asked. Alexander nodded.

"My payment?"

"Oh right." Dan shifted forward and pulled some cash out of his back pocket.

Alexander moved to collect it, completing the exchange. He paused afterward like he was forgetting something. He bent down, leaning in close.

"Will you go on a date with me?" Alexander asked. Dan tilted his face up to answer as Alexander cupped his jaw.

"Sure," he replied. Alexander grinned and Dan bridged the gap.